I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
