I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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