I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
