the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
