im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
