if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
