I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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