I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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