They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
