At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
