i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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