theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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