I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
