what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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