I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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