can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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