Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
