I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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