worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
