...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
