im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
