dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
