I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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