Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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