people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
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I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.