im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
