Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
