so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
