My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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