none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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