just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
