I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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