Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
