she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
