You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
