Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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