theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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