maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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