He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.