Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
