I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
