4 words: hood of his car
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
