you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
