i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
