I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She even gives head with a lisp.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
