I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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