Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
