He uses pillows to masturbate.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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