I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
