Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my phone needs a breathalizer
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
