So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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