I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My ass is underappreciated
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
