Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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