So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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