How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
