I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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