I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
