Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
