Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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