Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
